Let’s be honest. Miscarriage sucks. You never completely heal. If you believe that what you are carrying is a baby, when you miscarry your child, you believe your child died. There is no other way to think about it. So every year, you mourn on the day that you child died and went to heaven AND on the day they were supposed to be born.
I am now eight years into this journey. I am now eight years into mourning the life of my child. But, now is the time for me to start new. I am moving to a new phase in my recovery. I am moving to a phase where I am starting to need a fresh start.
So what does my fresh start/clean slate look like? Does it look pain free and tear free? Oh I wish it did. Oh how I wish it did. But no. My fresh start looks nothing like that. But, my fresh start is all about me and my daughter. Let’s walk through the steps.
- My first step is to take care of my relationship with God. Too often I have let my pain overtake me. Too often I have let my pain become intrusive. For instance, instead of crying out to God, I would just cry. Instead of clinging to His Word, I would take periods of time away from it because it was too hard for me to get into it. That may have been fine at the beginning, but it is not fine eight years into this trauma. I need to be running to Him and seeking His face.
- Second, I need to do more things to work on my mental health and stability. I need to be more consistent with working on my journaling, ie blog. I need to work more on gratitude adjustment and I need to work on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. I know I have a ton of other things to work on, but let’s start there. My mental health is a primary and I need to start taking care of it as though it is primary. That means cutting out things that bring me down – including people.
- Finally, I need to put my health first and foremost. When I get on the scale next year, I need to weigh less than I did on April 17. BUT, it is not just about the weight. It is about the health. I need to be breathing better. I need to be walking better. I need to be feeling better as a whole! Because until then, I cannot see past next year.
I told my husband I need to live for my Taylor Lee. I need to live as if she was here. I need to live the life I wish I could give her. I wish I could take her hiking. I can’t take her hiking and write to her about it because I can’t do it for myself at this point. I need to take control of my life and LIVE FOR GOD and LIVE FOR TAYLOR LEE. Then, journal my life for her right here on this blog. Tell her everything I am doing to better myself for her.
So this is it. This is the start. Wish me luck.