For my Taylor Lee, I’m standing here. For my Taylor Lee, I’m stripping my walls down. For my Taylor Lee, I am speaking THE truth.
April 16, 2016, approximately 2:30 p.m.
After a peaceful morning at home, Candy was still sitting on my stomach licking it. I always heard animals were the first to know about a pregnancy. So funny to watch it be true. For the last two weeks, this dog has sat only on my stomach.
I got up much to Candy’s chagrin to use the restroom and realized I had started spotting. I remember the time so clearly because the fertility clinic just closed. I missed them by minutes. Had I got them on the phone, this could have a completely different outcome. The advice I got could have been completely different.
But I called my OB. I was told he was my backup phone call. He said this bleeding was normal. He said I was ok and to just take it easy. So I went throughout my day and by the time I went to bed everything stopped. Crisis averted. Prayers answered. Till….
April 17, 2016, approximately 2:30 a.m.
Prayers were answered or so we thought. Until 2:30 am when our lives changed. We rushed to the ER knowing this was not normal. Blood everywhere. Hours of testing and nurses wondering why we thought we were pregnant. Luckily I had saved the voicemails of the nurses calling me and giving me my constantly growing HCG numbers because I had gone through the fertility clinic.
But in one day my numbers dropped drastically. After hours we heard those dreadful words, “I’m sorry. You have lost the baby.” My world came crashing down in one failed swoop. Panic breathing, eyes welling with tears and screaming in the ER. Our only dream had been ripped away from us.
As I walk out of the ER they give me all this information and tell me to follow-up with OB. Pastor texted us as we were driving home to see if we were still at the hospital. He was going to come see us. What I was not prepared for was the week to come.
That week I went into the OB. There are pregnant women everywhere. I’m traumatized just sitting there. They tested my numbers, trusted ER ultrasound and sent me on my way. They call me later and said miscarriage was complete. Go back to the fertility doctor and we will see you when you are successful.
We do 3-4 more attempts. Each one is becoming more and more painful. Twice ending up in the ER due to overhyperstimulation. What we did not know is the eggs were never getting out of the fallopian tubes. But each painful try caused more heartache. After over 8 months, I got surgery to explore. It’s then we learn that my tubes are now sealed shut.
After the surgery we go to ask questions and I get kicked out of the doctor’s office when I ask, “should we have done a D&C?”
I was doubled over in pain monthly. My body no longer functioning properly. Each month I was put on opioids the pain was so bad. After being dismissed we went to another doctor who listened and tested.
The only way out of pain was a complete hysterectomy because what the first doctor did not tell us was my baby was left inside of me. It rotted inside my body because my pro-life doctor and surgeon did not find a need to do the D&C or the medicated abortion pills to help my baby pass properly.
So each month, my cycle was cycling into my abdominal cavity. Each IUI attempt was not even entering my Fallopian tubes.
So while I am pro-life, I do believe there are circumstances when abortion are necessary. I am the product of a doctor who held his pro-life view so dear that I lost my chance to have a baby. My babies heavenly birthday is today. Today, I must stand up. Today I must stand up for her. I must stand strong for her. Alabama MUST change its abortion law.
So, I must stand up. In Alabama I must stand up and say NO. Prohibiting these procedures is wrong. I needed one and I lost the battle. And I will pay for it with every breath of my life.
Through all of this I want to take a moment and thank the people who helped me, encouraged me, and stood by me as I learned to stand on my own and become a voice for my daughter.
April 18
Eight years later I am beginning to replace the pain with hope. Not the hope of having a child of my own, but the hope of giving back. Taking the love I have for my child and spreading it around. But I would not be here without seeking counseling and medication management. I had to admit I was drowning in my grief. But, I had to do other things my counselor could only suggest. I’m going to cheat and give them to you now.
- Seek out online communities that can help. I’m in two that are great. Loved Baby & TCF: Loss to Miscarriage & Stillbirth. In each group, I am allowed to help others and get help. Or I can hide the group if I am not in a good place that day.
- Look for groups that support women that have gone through what you have. For example, the Sadie Rose Foundation. They help families cope with the loss of a loved one including miscarriage and/or stillbirth.
Know without a doubt YOU are not alone. We are all standing here praying for you.