It’s been a week off anxiety meds. Not by choice. It’s been a week off meds that help me function in society. What can I say? It’s not by choice.
What is Anxiety?
Anxiety. The topic no one wants to talk about. It’s an often misunderstood concept if you don’t have it. But anxiety can be different for everyone and everyone can have different issues from social anxiety to general anxiety.
So, for this blog, I am going to be selfish and define it to me. I might as well, I paid for it. So, what is my version of anxiety? Fear. Fear to go out. Fear the world will end. Fear someone will yell at me if I do something wrong. Fear of opening my door and being seen by someone walking down the hall. Fear. Just plain fear.
I want to go to church, but I am afraid. Afraid of walking into church and being rejected by people that are supposed to believe in God, but do they really? I have seen so much hatred in the world in the last three years, I don’t know what end is up and what end is down.
The Last Week
Since coming of meds last Friday, I have slowly watch my self-confidence and self-control disappear. I have dwindled slowly into the woman I was in the past and it has become hard to even get up in the morning and hard to even function. Each day I have attempted to get up and find something new to do. Even if it is something small and “stupid” just to say that I have accomplished something.
Today’s task on the list of things that I have gotten accomplished is cleaning two kitchen drawers I have been wanting to clean for the longest time. Why did I choose today to clean them? I don’t know. But, it was something to do. It was something to do that I did not do and I have been putting off. It wasn’t anything grandiose. It wasn’t anything that couldn’t be put off to tomorrow. But it was something that I could do today. And I did it.
Part of dealing with my anxiety this week has also been dealing with the increased OCD tendencies that come along with it. The checking the door 100 times to ensure it is locked. I prefer not to even go out the front door just so I know that I never used that lock. I don’t even have to check that lock tonight before I go to bed. Now the back door, even though it is four flights up, will be checked probably 102 times – but at least I can see it from the bedroom. I can shine my flashlight on it with my phone and know it is locked. When my husband is gone and my anxiety is bad, I try not to use the oven or stove so I don’t have to worry about whether I turned that one off. Sometimes, I get more steps in right before bed than I do all day.
But, I will survive
How, I don’t know. I know I have a team in my corner. I have a counselor ensuring I don’t fall through the cracks. I have a husband who is doing everything he can to make sure I stay safe. I have doctors going outside their area of specialty because they have my medical records and know I need help. And I have a friend beyond all friends on speed dial who answers whenever I need her. I will survive. Anxiety will not win. Anxiety will not defeat me. Depression will not defeat me. I will survive.
My prayers and thoughts are with you all the way. You can do this
Thank you so much for your prayers. It is going to be a long road. But, I know God can help me through it.