“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”
― Lucius Annaeus Seneca
This post is going to be more real than anything I have ever posted on this blog. It is later than I wanted to post it, but I needed to go through things before I posted it. I needed to be ready to write this story. So please forgive me for not getting it up in September – National Suicide Prevention Month.
I also needed to get to a point of thankfulness. I don’t know if I could have gotten to the point of thankfulness without this Christmas season and this month of anniversary. You see this December my child should be celebrating her 7th birthday, instead my husband and I celebrated alone.
We got out of the house and went to Auburn, ate at a restaurant we had not been to in a while, and bought ourselves small gifts of things we had wanted that we had put on the back burner. I bought myself supplies to make myself new Bible ribbons and he bought himself a new magazine on woodcarving. They were just simple little things we wanted, but we had put them off.
When we got back to our hometown, we picked up our baby’s birthday cake. We came home, ate dinner, and celebrated our little angel. I held on to my husband very tightly as we honored our little angel. But throughout the day, I could not help but think by the grace of God I would not have been here to celebrate her today.
So, I have told you about this wonderful time of memory with my husband. Let’s get into why I may not have been here to celebrate it this year. Last March I was at the lowest of my lows. I was at the point of not only thinking about suicide daily, but I was also thinking of ways to do it. I was reaching out to anyone that would listen. I did tell my husband almost daily that I wanted to die.
I had a list of ways to kill myself. It wasn’t hard for me to do any of them. The only problem with each of them is they ALL cause pain. If you know me very well, you know I detest pain. I faint at the sight of a needle sometimes. Just the sight of it. I went in for a nerve pain injection and fainted as they tried to give it to me. So, they had to stop. Seriously, I don’t do pain. And no matter how much you think you will die instantly, you won’t. Believe me. I’ve researched it.
After getting into my husband’s mental health program, as I did the assessment, I got a call from them less than 30 minutes later because I raised so many red flags. They needed to know my whereabouts, my husband’s, his boss’, and my parents. They needed to know how emergency personnel could get to my apartment, etc. I raised red flags. Can you tell?
It’s actually kind of ironic that I am writing this post because about five years ago, I was sent to a training on how to help recognize the signs of people in crisis, and how to recognize people who are truly suicidal and need help right away. Little did I know that training would save my life. Not once, but twice.
In 2021 I had been prescribed two medications for my depression and anxiety that were continuing to mount during the pandemic. Each of these medications had in the fine print that it could cause increased depression, anxiety, and even suicidal tendencies. As I continued to have panic attacks, they got worse and I began to sit in the bottom of my closet shaking and rocking back and forth. I would shake every time my husband would come into the room. And my only way out was to take my own life. My thoughts every day were to take my own life.
I continued in counseling and continued to take my medications. But, the symptoms only got worse. And the plans for my suicide multiplied. I found multiple ways to kill myself. The more I thought about it, the more comfortable I got with the plan and the more my husband was away, the more I thought no one would care if I died.
One day sitting on the floor of my closet, rocking, I realized the one person that needed me most was Beckett. My little Beckett. Yes, my Yorkie. He was, and still is, so co-dependent on me that without me he would truly grieve himself to death. It was his love for me that I had to get up every single morning. I had to feed him. I had to cuddle him. So, I got up.
I went through counseling, I went through medication management. We found out I was allergic to a medication that was making me suicidal. I got off the medication and struggled. Counseling helped me get better but I moved on after my counselor told me to divorce my husband because she said he was the problem.
We moved back to my home state in hopes of making things better for me. With my cold-induced asthma and giving me a place to feel at home. Well since being back, my anxiety and depression has only deepened. It grew into social anxiety and my panic attacks grew stronger. Loneliness crept in because I did not know too many people. Couple that with the increased pain in my back and you have a horrible combination for person with suicidal tendencies.
As I struggled and finally got back into mental health counseling and medication management, the more I realized that I have issues that I have to deal with. There are things that I have put off on the back burner that I have never dealt with. Things I have never told my parents or siblings about. Traumas that not even my husband knows because they happened before he even came into the picture in my life. Things that I have held deep down not to disappoint or because I did not wat to deal with. And all these things have pulled on my emotional well-being.
One of the greatest things I have learned this year is my greatest pain is being away from my baby. My baby is in heaven. She is celebrating joy in heaven with Christ this holiday season instead of going to look at Christmas lights with me. She is not baking cookies with me to take on a road trip to see grandma but sitting with her great grandma in heaven probably looking at pictures of me as a child in a Pillsbury Doughboy costume. But its great pain to me. But she is happy. My suicide will not make her happy.
Imagine taking the weight of the world on your shoulders and just being drug down by it over and over again. The pain that causes is so much that it creeps in on you. It is not until you start dealing with that pain does it start coming out. Otherwise, it eats at you, and you come to a breaking point where you want to kill yourself. That’s where I was last March. Daily. Hourly.
Weekly therapy. Sometimes twice a week. Medication. My service dog in training. SALT…..let’s not forget salt (never leave home without it. It ends panic attacks.) All these things are helping me. But, I finally have realized. I am going to be dealing with this my ENTIRE life. It is not something that is just going away. And that is okay. Dealing with my mental condition and talking about it ok.
As I have worked on this post, more and more people have died by suicide. Just a couple of weeks ago I was informed about another tragic suicide that hits home more than some for me. One because it is a way, I have personally thought about it, but two because it would affect my husband even more. Suicide by trucker. I won’t go into the details, but it is a real thing, and with my husband being a trucker that would be a huge heartbreak for him.
I tell my story to say this: It can happen to anyone. Do I still think about it? Yes. Do I still think the world would be a better place if I wasn’t here sometimes? Yes. Do I want to go see my baby in heaven? Yes.
Will I? No. I don’t like pain. And, I have a life to live. I need to make my baby girl proud of me. I need to let her see that I am not letting the pain of missing her drive me into a closet and commit suicide. I need her to see that the pain of missing her is driving me to help others. I am doing good with the pain of missing her. It is then she will be proud of me when I see her in heaven.
If you are thinking about harming yourself or attempting suicide, tell someone who can help right away
- Call 911 for emergency services.
- Go to the nearest hospital emergency room.
- Call or text 988 to connect with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline . The Lifeline provides 24-hour, confidential support to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Support is also available via live chat.
If you have a family member or friend in a crisis
If you have a family member or friend who is suicidal, do not leave him or her alone. Try to get the person to seek help immediately from an emergency room, physician, or mental health professional. Take seriously any comments about suicide or wishing to die. Even if you do not believe your family member or friend will actually attempt suicide, the person is clearly in distress and can benefit from your help in receiving mental health treatment.